Andreas' Gaming Clichés

Dealing with Cheaters - The Movie

After reading the hilariously funny "Grand List Of Console Role Playing Game Clichés", Mr Rehn had the brilliant idea that we should make a list for genres where we are more experienced: Real-Time Strategy and First Person Shooter Games. So here they are. Please send me your suggestions! You will be credited in the list at the bottom.

MMORPG Game Clichés

1. The Drop Rate Rule
   Quests for items with low drop rates will never be completed without at least one death. D
2. The Graveyard Zoning Law
   The Graveyard will always be far enough away from interesting dungeons that any really good loot will expire by the time you return. D
3. The Healer Class Rule
   Priests may not carry edged weapons for ethical reasons, but have no problem bashing heads in with a spiked mace. D
4. The Rare Spawn Rule
   When you finally find that rare spawn, you are about to get ganked. D
5. The Sound Travel Rule
   You can shoot the sentries outside a door with a rifle, but their colleagues inside won't hear you. D
6. The "Noob yelling" Behavioral Syndrome
   If you don't know the exact rules of conduct, it is permissible for high levels to yell "Noob!" regardless of whether the rules are actually written down somewhere or not.
7. The Bag Size Restriction Rule
   The number of valuable items to collect on a quest is equal to the number of available bag slots plus one. BB
8. The Tourist Information Rule
   The prominence of a location is proportional to the probability that some idiot will ask where it is located on the general chat channel. (e.g. "duz anybody kno wher is Ogimar?") BB
9. The Useless Companion Rule
   The more you need a partner to complete a quest, the more 14 year old players will be available to help, add you to their friends list and nag you to hell every time you log on. BB

RTS Game Clichés

1. The Base Security Achilles Heel Clause
   Bases covered by an impenetrable security grid will always locate the power supply outside the barrier. MR
2. The Unbalanced Weapons of Mass Destruction Axiom
   Enemy rocket launchers carrying nuclear missiles can safely be destroyed at point blank range. MR
3. The Technology Reset Rule
   No matter how many technological advances you have researched you always have to start a mission inventing the barracks, then the factory, then the radar station, then the airbase and so forth... MR
4. The Power over Aesthetics Rule
   Heroes are the only soldiers allowed to paint their tanks in a colour of their choosing. MR
5. The Hazmat storage regulation
   If there be barrels, they will be explosive. MR
6. The Balanced secondary unit rule
   Any cool capability, such as being able to transport other units, is always connected with great vulnerabilty. D
7. The Balanced secondary unit corrollary
   ...or can only be used once per hour. MR
8. The Bonus crate "There ain't no justice" rule
   Bonus crates will always improve crappy units, but if a great unit takes the crate, that unit will be blown up. D
9. The Enemy Patrol rule
   Enemy patrols will all suffer from a bad case of alzheimers, as you can safely attack and retreat from the same area repeatedly. MR
10. The Mercenary Presence Rule
    There will always be a civil war/mercenary unit/etc. so that you can engage units of your own side. MR
11. The Pointless Mission Objective Directive
    To vanquish the enemy you are told to place the psi-emitter (disable his defence grid, blow up their big weapon, etc...) in the heart of their base, but when you finally reach it there will be nothing left to destroy anyway. MR
     

FPS Game Clichés

1. The Defence Planning rule
   No matter how well defended and impenetrable the enemy fortress may be, there is always an open unlocked hatch available some 50ft from the main gate, and as it happens, it is completely unguarded. MR
2. The Strong Gravity rule
   You can take ten rockets in the belly, but a jump from a crate down on the floor will kill you. MR
3. The Allies Rule
   If there are actually allied soldiers in the game, you will soon be required to fight them. MR
4. The Enemy Logistics Imperative
   The enemy usually designs his secret facilities to require his minions to travel on a conveyor belt (running in the opposite direction), jump over a lava stream, smash open locked grates and traverse a set up of trip mines when moving from the armoury to the gunnery position. No wonder the enemy weapons you salvage are always short on ammo. MR
5. The Weak Neck Anatomical Rule
   You'll have little trouble stocking up on a dozen or so weapons larger than you torso (and if you are a syndicate operative they all fit nicely under your coat), rocket launchers, chainsaws, anti tank mines, a railgun, a heavy machine gun and the corresponding 1500 kgs of ammo, but you'll rarely be able to carry more than one pair of goggles. MR
6. The Ship in a Bottle Architectural trend
   After having crawled through dusty narrow tunnels, swum submerged in raw sewage, ducked under sinister machines that want nothing else than to chop you in half you'll suddenly emerge in a room deep inside the mountain that houses a creature just as big. How the hell did it get there? MR
7. The Crate Construction Regulation
   Chests, drawers, safes, lockers, cupboards, they can all be opened and closed at leisure. But if you happen upon a crate, you'll be hard pressed to destroy it to get the equipment you seek. The enemy is also quite happy to stock one apple in a crate the size of a washing machine, though sometimes a crate can contain two items, like an apple and a keycard. MR
8. By Golly, but that furniture is finely crafted
   Not even the finest enemy soldier will have armour thick enough to absorb the damage from even our weakest weapons. What they should do is pick up one of those wooden chairs that easily negotiate rocket after rocket and carry these in front of them. Instead of sending hundreds of their finest soldiers to die at your hands the enemy should focus on putting obstacles like tables and handrails in your path, since these will be impossible to overcome. MR
9. The Burning Bridges construction material regulation
   If you fire your rocket launcher at a fully laden fuel truck you are likely to see flames erupting and satisfying explosions will occur. This fetish can also usually be satisfied by firing machineguns or concrete bridges or buildings, as they will burst into flames as a sign of taking damage. MR